September 2nd, 2009
|07:59 pm - as it becomes....|
i'm Ian, and I rarely ever use this anymore. But everynow and than i look back at this shit and remember...... So i don't take friend requests anymore. Thats it. Peace.
November 17th, 2008
|10:46 pm - Saying good bye|
You are an evil, manipulative woman and i miss you. Everything is quite since you left, and i feel numb. little things make me think of you. and every plan i make, i catch myself including you in them. You haunt me. Memories of you fill my mind. But i knew it was over before you left. And you left without twarning. Liz.... you never even gave back the ring. You just took off, never to be seen again. Leaving me wiht your sent that still lingers on the pillow. A couple pieces of cloths that where in the dryer. And the mix cd I made you. I catch myself looking at our pictures still, and I wonder what ever happened to you. I know you went home. i would have went with you. I want a fresh start. TO come back together. Walks seem so lonley. The city skyline so ugly. My bed is empty. Your keys are where you left them. Waiting for yuo to pick them pack up. I know you never will. I know you don't want to come back. Colorado.... I said I would go there, I just needed a month to make arangments. You couldn't wait. You even changed your number once you left. Got rid of all ways for me to contact you. The truth was so hard when I found out. You went back to your ex husband. A friend told me. You didn't have enough respect to tell me. You let me down. I don't know wether to be angry or sad. It has been a while, but I still hold on. It's time to say goodbye. Your pictures are in a coffe can, wet with lighter fluid, waiting for the match. But i can't bring myself to burn them. I hate you because I love you.
November 16th, 2008
I am developing a deep hatred for the opposite gender.
November 15th, 2008
It would be a far better thing to return to the soil than remain trapped in this form. Abandoned I feel. True friends are those that answer the cry and rally behind.If the absent rains would come and fall as heavy as my heart we should all be drowned and washed away. Gone would be the footprints of man. A thousand years from now, should an archaeologist happen upon them, where would yours be left? Deep in the good, giving earth beneath a canopy of green? Or gone from the impressionless, unyielding asphalt? The black and yellow striped serpents that twine and writhe through unnatural forests of steel and brick. I wonder, did the hands that lay those bricks and temper that steel think it a grand and noble task or was it just another job, another day, another dollar? You may think mad of me but not to worry. Although I scarcely have any rage left in me for the dying of the light, I shall not soon go quietly into that good night.
November 12th, 2008
|09:00 pm - suprise, i am back|
so... no idea how long it has been since i posted on here. I still hate evryone but me. And... i dunno what else to say.
Updates are fun.
October 12th, 2007
|10:20 pm - a life left lacking|
My life is empty. Unfulfilled. Desolite. Unestablished, built on a crumblin foundation. Its midnight and i can only think, there must be more to life. I try to think of a time when i felt hapy. at piece, and whole. Have i ever? Once. but i barley remember it.
The music is playing loudly, but i cant hear it. the empty beer bottles that line the table, the counter, my dresser, and my floor have become cumbersome. I have no substance to my heart, and as a result, my soul has withered. I live a life with o meaning, my mind consantly in the cosmos, and indecisive about what it wants. My heart once knew... and maybe the chared shell of that memory still remains in there. As the weather gets colder, it brings back memories of another time. Somthing i long for, but i cant quite place. like a word caught at the tip of your tounge.
I stand on the pourch, overlooking the railing, beer bottle in hand, cigaret lying delicatly between my lips, as a scream.
'THERE MUST BE MORE TO THIS LIFE!" and i ponder what the fall would do to me. I climb onto the railing and sit. overlook the road, and i know three stories will only break my legs. I am miserable.
The fact that i teater on the edge dosn't make my heart race like it once would. The spliterd wood of the railing will hold my wieght. So i sit there, and stare into the sky. I am lost. The stars are only there to mock the plight of my unfullfilled life. I am tired of it. I realize i am truly alone, and know what few know. The feeling of utter hopelessness. The lack of purpose. I have made no impact, made no meaningful conversations. Made no truely happy relationships. I have lied and manipulated most of my way through life. At one time my concious hated that.. now i no longer hear that voice. The one that kept me sane.
The night air chills me. all i am wearing is a pair of holy jeans. The win does nothing to fase me. I want out. I want to break the monotony. I want to scream, and yell. I want to build skyscrapers, write a novel, start a political movement. Find a woman who dosent use me. one who loves me. I want to cure a desease, or save the rainforest. but i can make no differnce. time has taght me this. My life wasnt ment to be happy. I wish i could see my friends inutah again. if for only an hour. I wish megan could use that degree to get a job and make real money. get a place for her and ariel. i wish josh wouldn't have cancer. he is to young. I wish jermey wouldnt have died. I wish i would have seen i could have been with cori before i keft for the army. But now i hope her and jake can be truly happy together and she can get that degree she wants.
My body burns. this skin screams to let the energy out. The fade into the night. to cease to be. I can only act content for so long with this life left lacking.I have noone. I have nothing. I am a shell of a human, lost drifting in the abstract. I feel empty.
My being is flawed to a fault. I have nothing here to hold me. I am unravled, undone, and i cat stand the taste of the air here. My eyes grow heavy and part of me hopes that when i fall asleep, i dont ever wake up.
I am more alone than ever, and i have a feeling that this is the high point for the rest of my life. Being alone, and undone. A man with no purpose. What am i looking for? where are you? Have you found what ou are searching for? can we find it together? do you exsist?
Pipe dreams. That is it. This truly is a life left lacking.
Current Mood: empty
Current Music: under the milky way/yhe church
September 25th, 2007
|01:09 pm - jesus died for somebodys sins, but not mine.|
Your perfect god is only in your mind. as a matter of fact, he isn't there either. he called in sick long ago, and has yet to show back up for work. Never gave a 2 week notice or anything. Just up and left.
But anal wayz, I have stumbled pon a bunch of my old love monkie writings, and have deicded to close him up for good. It has ben to drawn on, and seems to go none stop. so it is time for him to die. when i get un=lazy i will post some of my stories on here. It is just so hard to tpe them in. gah... I need a beer.
September 24th, 2007
|02:42 pm - Love Monkies Last Ride, part 1.|
Agent Monkie staggerd into the room, hand clutching his side. he looked down and saw the blood flowing freely between his fingers. He knew the truth.. he had been betrayed, but after all, hadn't he betrayed his followers first? turning aside the legion of bad guyz for the life of a secret agent. He had goten tired of that as well, went off in search of more. But now he had returned home, only to be struck down. he fell to his knees, gasped for another breath and realized.. he was dieing. Monkie had always told himself upon this moment he would relive all of his victories, and tyrancies, but no. He only felt regret. regret for a life left unfulfilled. Everything Monkie heard sounded as though it was underwater. He felt as though he was breathing in liquid. perhapes that was because one of the bullets has peirced his lung. He thought he heard footsteps and shouting. He looked around in a daze and realized, this is where he would die. alone in an abandoned building that once belonged to the secret agents. A name passed his lips and he fell the rest of the way onto the floor. Through the cracks of his eyes, monkie watches as she put the barel of he gun to his head. Than... he felt nothing.
3 weeks earlier......
His choper had broken down on the old highway. His last cigarete was bent and smudged with grease. He hadn't shaved in weeks, and he wasn't sure where he was going. This freelance bounty hunter life wasnt as fun as he thought it would be. So.. this was the once mighty love monkie. The man who led a world revoltion. brought the legion of bad guyz to power, and left thm as soon as he made it to the top. He had been a secret agent. And turned them aside. lack of power, he told himself. That was all he wanted. Power, money, women, all the evil in the world. No,monkie wasn't a bad man. just lost. A victim of his own circumstances. That and he was lonley. but what do you expect... he killed all of his fellow bad guyz, his family, and anyone he had eer been close to. He opened his backpack and pulled out the jim beam. took a swig and started to walk. He needed somthing. To be in power once more. he had heard of a movement back home in northern ohio. Might as well check it out. but damn... he was still in wyoming. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath. He saw the lone car coming down the highway. You rarley saw anyone driving anymore. Ever since fuel had been ran by different rouge ganges spread across the u.s. He pulled out his sawed off double barrel 12 gauge from his trench coat and fired a shot into the window as it drove by. He watched it swerve off the road and come to a stop. "Guess I got a ride now," Monkie smirked. He ran up to the olds 88, pulled the body out of the drivers seat and jumped it. Took a swig of his beam and floored the gas. It was time to go home. He knew an adventure was waiting for him. And he knew that this time he would do some damage.
(tune in next week for part two of love monkies last ride. Expect old friends, old fights, and old guns. plus lts of drinkin and them sweet sweet cigarets. brought to you by Monkie Smokes. The cigaret of super villans world wide.)
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: less than jake/the science of selling out.
September 22nd, 2007
|07:23 am - fooly cooly|
FLCL.. i watched the entirity of the eisodesfor the 3973 time... and... i still dont get it. i loveit but i dont understand a damn thing about it.
September 14th, 2007
I just baught tegan and saras new cd the con and i love it... yes.. i like tegan and sara. but tegans name makes me want to sat tegals. i realize i have NO female friends. hmmm.. maybe i should find some. Ok, time 2 get drunk.